Jimmy

In a sense, Jimmy’s worst nightmare had come true. His grip on public discourse was crumbling. His businesses were failing, not even the ideals democracy mashed with naked girls and celebrity gossip helped. He became the most-hated person of the second-most powerful empire in the world’s history. His calls for outside help were not heeded, not even after begging pathetically for an alien intervention in a widely televised show.

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Walking on a tight rope, Jimmy had always knew that excessive actions against the Grandpa would lead to disaster. But he was smart and dilligent. He understood Grandpa and his methods, carefully delineated safety margins. Thus, as long as he and his acolytes were the only leaders in the anti-establishment movement, diligently keeping their own indiscretions in check, a delicate equilibrium could be maintained.

He would maintain an ironclad grip on public discourse. He would be the savior of the masses, hero of the city, herald for democracy, and their benevolent dictator for life.

He then would be a pest. A pest annoying enough to cause discomfort for Grandpa, but not so much as to warrant the deployment of an extermination team. He would painstakingly maintain a fine balance between pestering and submission, all the while gnawing away at the foundations of Grandpa’s existence.

He would go down in history as the one credited for toppling Grandpa’s regime, while making a fortune for himself.

That is, until the Localists showed up. Their brazen, unrestrained methods would upset the fine balance that Jimmy had strove to maintain for all these twenty-odd years. He was bewildered by their unabashed self-destructive tendencies — immune to political bribery, threats, or even reason, they pushed Grandpa’s patience to the limits. This forced Grandpa’s hand. The Wrath of the People’s Proletariat loomed over the city. It was destined for destruction, and yet the plebs were increasingly were prepared to embrace and fight in this brave new world. Not even the promises of democracy and prosperity would reverse the course of history. Not even the kind and wise words of Sage-Master Lee, his trusted lieutenant, could sway the hearts of the people.

The Localists had won. The people wanted to Embrace Stir-Fry, and they wanted it fast. They wanted it hard.

In a sense, Jimmy’s worst nightmare had come true. His grip on public discourse was crumbling. His businesses were failing, not even the ideals of democracy mashed with naked girls and celebrity gossip helped. He became the most-hated person of the second-most powerful empire in the world. His calls for outside help were not heeded, not even after begging pathetically for an alien intervention in a widely televised show.

In the beginning, Jimmy was destined to be a savior. He had everything in his power. Where did it all start to go wrong?

Shivering in his private mansion in the heat of mid-summer, Jimmy dismissed his security guards. He was safe anyway, the secret service had him all set. Nobody knows when he would be arrested for crimes against the Nation, but perhaps not today. He had more pressing issues to worry about. Banks were recalling their loans, as his newspaper editors fretted to understand the new security law that had just passed. “Is it still lawful to depict the mayor half-naked in her undergarments?” — that was the question. The industry was going downhill off a cliff, and they needed more juice to compete with those pesky content farms and porn-hubs that were popping up like mushrooms.

“ZZZzrrrhh!@!@%@$!!!” The door bell rang.

“I thought the Internet was just a fad!” exclaimed Jimmy to himself as he went to answer the door. “I thought only nerds and imbeciles would fap in front of a friggn computer screen!” If the Holy Trinity of Sex, Violence and Gossip(politics) failed to generate enough advenue, Jimmy didn’t know what would.

“Hello, may I help you?”

“Li xiansheng, ni ying gai hen ming bai ba? Gei wo men gerrr yi dian mian zi, qing ni he zuo yi dian.”

Jimmy gave a slight nod, and held out his hands. The People have spoken. Surely, he would soon learn to embrace the brave new world too.

(原文 2020 年 7 月 發佈，略有修輯)